Remains

The ashes of my mother, finally let go

Here lie the remains of my mother. Here I stand, the remains of her.

It's odd to see the dust of a person. To see a whole life and love scattered as ash on green earth. To see soft clouds of her roll on the air, carried away to be part of the world.

My whole world, as she was for so long. The happiness of my childhood, through so much turbulence. She was always there. Always loving and kind and good in a way that seemed ever impossible to achieve. Everything she did was in service of others.

As a teenager, she donated a kidney that to this day has kept her littlest sister alive more than forty-five years later. As a newborn, I came into a home with foster children always in my life, damaged girls in need of kindness that she so willingly gave. We had no money to spare, but she always found a way to sponsor children and donate to charity and care for those in her church who needed it.

She had flaws. Made mistakes. Was so far from perfect, but she was flawless to me.

In losing her, I've lost the last and only true goodness of my childhood. I've lost the only family I had for so much of my fractured youth.

I stand there at the foot of a mountain, watching more and more of her settle on the resting place of her own father as my family takes turns laying her to rest.

Here lie the remains of my mother. Here I stand, the remains of her. This loops in my head and I fight and feel myself lose against the tears I'm scraping from my eyes.

My son, he's only six but so bright, he turns to me, looks up to say something. I lean in, ready to comfort.

"Are you okay, mummy?"

The tears swell, but so do my cheeks. I beam at him.

I let go of one world today, but I leave with the only one that matters.

"I'm okay."

He cuddles into me, so gentle and kind and warm. Soon we leave, his soft hand in mine, leaving mountains and trees and the beautiful vastness of a still land at our backs.

I am what remains of my mother. He is what will remain of me.